Back In Suck-ville.

 well, yesterday was pretty sucky. 

Jordan is spiraling back down into depression again - I was feeling so hopeful. *sigh* And had insomnia as a result. So he's home again today. He has the FMLA paperwork turned in, so it's not going to be a job-endangering thing, but it will not be paid. 

Have I mentioned how livid I am that we live in a country that does not offer sufficient paid sick leave for people. The EU requires SIX WEEKS of paid leave for illness. 

Oregon requires FIVE DAYS. Which is about on par for most states that have a law about sick leave. 

So, y'know. Don't break your leg. Don't have major surgery. Or middling-surgery, frankly. 

And heaven forbid you have kids, cuz those little germ factories will take you OUT. 

And remember the flue and covid? Those take more than five days to recover from, so make sure you don't get sick from THAT either. 

America works really well for people that are lucky enough to be physically and mentally fit. 

Suddenly makes sense why eugenics started in this country. 

*sigh* 

Ah yes, I'm feeling great today, ergo the raging at the system is rolling out strong. 

Yesterday was hard for me. The terror about diabetes was up again. We didn't eat like hobbits. I THINK I had a low blood sugar when we went antiquing. I hadn't eaten for about 5 hours, and came over all exhausted and dizzy. 

But I stayed tired after eating? 

I was exhausted all day. Which made me afraid to eat, worried that my blood sugar was too high. 

And no, I do NOT think it would be beneficial for me to get a monitor at this time. I'm already obsessing over everything, and having actual numbers wouldn't be calming, it would make me obsess even more. 

We did go antiquing yesterday - part of our valentinte's celebration Jordan has planned. We found a very hobbity stoneware soup tureen, and it's just the right size for two people. 

I had forgotten I wanted one, but Jordan remembered. 

I'm also looking for some religious iconography for our home alter. 

... which currently has empty cat food bowls, a used tissue, and a silicone baking mat on it. 

A home alter is a catholic/episcopalian thing. One of the things I appreciate about the Episcopalian church is that the "rules" are very squishy. You're allowed to live by your faith by your convictions. So you are free to practice more catholic things or more protestant things, up to you. 

After the rigidity of evangelicalism, where you're not really free to even wear the clothes you want - especially if you're a woman (remember the poor, helpless men with eyesballs!) - it's ... very refreshing. 

Not to mention that I've felt for years that I had to hide my questions and convictions in the evangelical church, even when I just mildly started questioning things. 

I blame my parents. 

They always took "why" seriously, and answered us. 

So I learned to ask "why" and take myself seriously and go after answers until I'm satisfied. 

One of the big things I'm trying to unlearn right now is how to hold my convictions, and be okay with other people holding different convictions. 

Because something I learned when the pandemic broke out is:

You can give two people the SAME information, and they can still come to different conclusions. 

Because we all have our complex and interlaced values and experiences that shape what we think truth is, who is truthful, where we can find truth, and what truth is. 

For example, I personally hold that the creeds are foundational for Christianity. If it's in the creeds, that means it's very serious and if it's not in the creeds ... 

eh. 

(The episcopal church is creedal.)

anyway. 

Jordan is home from work today, which is throwing me back into the Pit Of Despair. 

I went to bed at 6 last night. (Went to sleep at 7, and was up for about an hour in the middle listening to jordan, ...)

Oh! I wish I could take a pic right now - Coco is snuggled up next to Jordan, sleeping happily beside hi, and it's REALLY cute. 

Except Jordan doesn't like sleeping pics of him to be shared so, NO BEANS, sorry guys. 

There were nice parts to yesterday - like going antiquing and meeitng up with Carey and Nathan for noms. Except I was so terrified about eating I was too anxious to really eat.

And the game I ordered came in - Everdell. 

Everyone I've heard it recommended by says "It's basically Redwall!" so I'm VERY excitd. It is SUPER cute, and looks beautiful and fun, and has FIVE EXPANSION PACKS (me right now to the game maker: TAKE MY MONEY!!!), and is simply gorgeous. 

Here's a review: Everdell

anyway. I need to get to work. And that does include getting first brae4kfast. Which is made.Vegetable hash. Sweet potatoes, rainbow carrots, onions, broccoli and sausage. 

It is a symptom of my panic that I am afraid of the sweet potatoe and rainbow carrots, AND SAUSAGE. 

But I'm trying to action on the fact that food fear is not good. 

Food is safe. 

And eating matters. 

Busy day, I think. 

I mean, just EATING LIKE A HOBBIT takes an immense amount of work, but also I need some thing to happen in the house Cleaning and organizing things. 

I can't control diabetes, but I can control my enivoronment. 

(This is also an unsustainable anxiety coping mechanism, but I need to calm the heck down.)

Going to the gym tonight with Carey. I hope that will be fun.