Happy Shrove Tuesday!!

 that's right, it's PANCAKE DAY. 

also a couple things:

1. I'm back on instagram, under the handle pinkistra. Pretty sure my account is prvate, but you can find and follow me. Mostly I'm posting about the hobbitty meals. 

2. Please contact me. I know I am TERRIBLE currently at reaching out, but like ... I'm really lonely and need friends, and i just LITERALLY do not have the spoons to reach first. 

3. I have discord and whatsapp, and I'm thinking of starting a discord channel for all my friends, just cuz ... I miss talking to people? I need people. I'm really lonely. Is that something anypony would be interested in?

anyway, back to pancakes. 

SHROVE TUESDAY!!! 

Basically the slightly more restrained version of Mardi Gras. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which starts Lent, 40 days of fasting until Easter. Traditionally on Shrove Tuesday, you eat PANCAKES. 

There is a pancake dinner at church today, and we are going. We are going a bit early so we can also watch the burning of the palms for the ashes for tomorrow. 

We are also going to church tomorrow. For ashes. 

I'm excited to be participating in this CENTURIES OLD ritual for the first time in person. ^_^ 

Jordan is mostly neutral. heheh. Neither of us know what to expect. 

I'm not really okay, although I feel better today than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was so tired that I couldn't even ... stay awake. I slept through my first break and my lunch, and the day was just SWATHED in "must sleep." Whcih of course is scary now, with the diabetes, that I'M DYING OF THE SUGARS. 

Everything is scary. 

Despite the sleepies, I STILL phoned my doctor, and told them all the things the pharmacist said to. Go team me. 

AND I worked on my resume, and sent it to Nathan for help. 

EXTRA GO TEAM ME. 

I'm going to try to work it some more tonight. 

I hope. 

Also. 

We are thinking of getting a dog. 

Carey is fostering a dog atm that they've worked with for quite some time. The owner just couldn't keep up with her (the owner is 82 and has had 2 back sugeries).

We've talked about getting a dog for ... our whole marriage. Jordan is a doggo person. 

We were going to wait till we got out of HERE *waves arms dramatically* but ... we've been here a long time. 

More to the point:

We are exploring if having a dog would help Jordan's depression and be an external motivator to get me to be outside even more. 

The initial terror that was driving me to be super active has faded (which is good, terror is good for nobody), but I still need to be walking 3 times a day, and currently I'm reliably walking 1. 

You can go to Carey's instagram - ridgelinemountedarchers - they put her in their stories. (So uh ... go in the next 14 or so hours lol. 

We met her last night. She's SUPER mellow. There was nothing last night that happened that made us be like, "Oh yeah, no not at all. This won't work."

There's still just ... so many aspects that go into this decision though, and that's rough. 

I miss the days when I could just "pray" and then "get an answer" and feel confident and not personally responsible for any and all consequences. 

Now I have to make decisions where I'm aware I don't know all the things, and there is no "morally correct" "God wants me to" get out of personal responsibility free card. 

And no offense intended if that's ... something that works for you, or not your experience of prayer. 

It became mine though. Not recently, a lot further back. 

When I was around 23/24. 

Back then, I still believed the theology that I had grown up with, eg: God has one perfect and specific will for your life, and that includes EVERY aspect of your life, and it is YOUR JOB to pray and figure out what that is. And as long as you figure it out and obey and do the right things, you will be blessed. 

There were also a lot of definitions of "what God's will is" or what it couldn't be, and let me tell you: that theology fucked me right up, and sent me off into some of  the BIGGEST mistakes of my life. 

And it def lead me to my first major deconstruction. 

Since then, I no longer believe that God has one perfect and specific will for my life, or anyone's life, other than, "Love people and be as happy as you can." Even that gets complicated, because then you have to untangle the intense Calvinistic perceptions of what God's omnipotence means when your life sucks through no fault of your own. 

Life sucks for three reasons, IMO. 

1. You did something that triggered some really sucky consequences. Maybe you did it deliberately or ignorantly, but the point is: boy those consequences suck, and they are long-reaching and super sucky. 

2. Someone else did something, either deliberately or ignorantly, that harmed YOU, and now you're having to untangle THOSE consequences, which can be really far reaching. 

3. Life sucks, there is injustice and random evil , as well as pervasive, systemic evil, and - I think - even sentient evil that seeks to "kill, steal and destroy." And that means random suffering no one deserves just HAPPENS. 

That's the really hard one. Becuase it means there's no way to avoid it. 

And we'd all really like to avoid suffering. 

Man, how did I get all the way over here from talking about getting a DOG. 

Anyway. We are trying to figure out if the pros outweigh the cons. 

I woke up today feeling VERY pro-dog, after having a rough night. I was awake often. 

And more to the point, I had a very tough dream. 

For the first time, it involved OUR CHURCH and our very own PASTOR BINGHAM. (Properly referred to in the Episcopal tradition as rector. if you watch BBC a lot, basically just think all of their words for church and you've got it.)

Mom was in the dream too, and there was a lot of stress and fear revolving aroudn church, although interestingly:

Bingham was safe. 

And the goal was to get into the "real" church building, (there was a schmancy one that didn't feel safe and was haunted by monsters that were then chasing me, but nobody else could see them, OF COURSE), where I would be safe. 

Mom was making it harder, and she didn't believe me and was slowing me down, and I was trying to take her with me, but if I was going to survive, I would have to leave her behind, and that was where the crux of the dream was. 

Which reminds me that I had an interaction with Mom last night. 

She was leaving and asked me to lock the door after she left, and I said, "No gaurantees! I'll do my best, but I forget easily."

And she said, "No you don't." 

and then I was like, "YES. I DO."

"no you don't."

and I just went off - very calmly, but firmly - YES. I DO. I FORGET THINGS ALL THE TIME. IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO REMEMBER THINGS. 

"But you DO remember, Melissa!"

"MOM. I REMEMBER SOMETIMES. THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME. I NEED YOU TO SEE THAT."

"I see that you're overcoming it!"

"NO!!!!!!!!! MOM!!!!!!! This is REALLY HARD FOR ME on the inside!!! And I need you to see the INSIDE not the OUTSIDE. REMEMBERING THINGS. IS HARD. FOR ME."

It was weird, because (1) I really firmly stood up for myself. 

Mom's response to me saying that I have ADHD (this was a few months ago) was "Well I think ADHD basically makes you a genius!"

and that has NOT SAT WELL WITH ME. 

Because, yeah, I do some things great, but the ease that I do some things with is WAY OVERSHADOWED in my experience by how difficult other things are. 

But of course, as a girl, and specifically as a girl in evangelical christianity, and EXTRA SPECFICALLY as a girl in my family, I am never EVER allowed to complain OR be less than perfect. 

I got super good at complying, and the "negative" effects of ADHD were quickliy sublimated by my EXTREMELY HIGH ANXIETY and the hundreds of fail safes I set in place. So a lot of those symptoms just didn't show. 

But my INSIDES were just TORN UP and ON EDGE all the time. 

And after mulling mom's response over for months, I had decided I was NOT going to ignore that or laugh it off. 

I WANT TO BE SEEN.

I WANT MY STRUGGLE TO BE VISIBLE. 

So, I stood up for myself, and I am proud. 

anywya. 

Emotionally, I am really disrupted. I just want ... 

I want peace. 

I want calm. 

I want joy and happiness. 

I want connection to people where I am seen - all of my bits, not just the bits that are acceptable. 

And that's the hard part, because it is a RARE person who is secure enough in themselves, and able to listen to things that directly contradict their OWN closely held values. So for a lot of relationships, you just don't talk about certain things, because the relationship can't stand the strain of that discomfort. 

I think especially in evangelical adjacent spaces, because we've been trained that the purpsoe of conversations and relationships is to convert people to Christianity, and that makes every conversation about 'how do I make you agree with my Correct Opinion," instead of "I want to see you, as a person, and understand you and how you think and how you've arrive at your conclusions - not to change your mind, but because you're different than me, and I treasure the ongoing revelation of you in our relationship; it is a privilege to see you."

Because if what they say starts to make sense, then you have to cope with your own internal dissonance, and like ... that's hard. 

And sometimes you're going to change your mind. 

And if you grew up in evangelicalism, changing your mind is not okay. 

So.

We don't develop the relational skills to just listen and accept the revelation of someone else's POV, as opposed to trying to change it, or to be okay with changing our minds. 

There are - obviously - exceptions, but this is a whole thing. 

ANYWAY. 

hobbit meals today. 

hopefully walking three times. 

AND.

I would like to get all the dishes washed and the kitchen tidied up again. 

Jordan and I have both been working hard, and the house is at a really beautifullysustained level. 

My brain feels good in it. 

AND. I would like to get the labels done on the cricut for the new tea jars. 

I checked, and my HOT PINK VINYL is removable so it is perfect for this project. 

MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay. I love y'all. 

<3

Be connected with me. I cn't really reach out, but if you've been invited to this blog, know that I want to be connected. 

I'm just ... kind of ... pretty broken rn. Possibly the most broken I've been in my life.