Yesterday Went Okay

 Which means I'm feeling highly suspicious about the ensuing day. 

Highly. Suspicious. 

Jordan woke up yesterday and felt pretty okay. He was looking forward to counseling, but for some reason his counselor didn't show. He's going to follow up with that and see what happened. 

I went to the gym with Carey, and had quite a fun time. I am very strong, and I like BEING very strong. 

we went out to thai food. 

The orthorexia is STRONG. I mean... that's jut how it's going to be for awhile. We did get scheduled with our nutritionist, so YAY! Now I just have to find where I put the LAB PAPERS!!! I specifically requested them so I could show her!!!

I think yesterday and the day before, I didn't eat enough carbohydrates. I've been feeling off and super weird. Jordan made me a tuna sammich with bread, and then I started feeling more normal. 

It’s still early scary to eat food. And any kind of body sensation I have, I’m hyper aware of. It’s obnoxious. 

I’m also aware of the gravity of developing full fledged orthorexia again. I’m def already deep in the symptoms, and I’m also doing the over exercising to compensate as well, which is another eating disorder symptom. 

I’m HOPING that by being aware of all this at least, and now I’m struggling against it to bring things back to peace, I will be able to overcome it once again. 

Here are some pics of the snow today

Oh I also wanted to show you the picture of the soup tureen we got, it’s very hobbity. 

And a bonus caramel. Because she’s so cute. 

Jordan has finally headed off to work. He rally didn’t want to go today. I’m also struggling with work, and I feel hungry, so it’s def time for a snack. 

I accidentally left the spinach on the counter all night so it’s no good. Sigh. The pie crust too. 

For the record, it takes a lot of time and energy to eat like a hobbit. So much. 

Hopefully, Thursday the dryer repair man comes. And at last we will no longer have laundry draped everywhere. 

I’m going to take down the ropes draped all over our room. 

It’s been six weeks y’all. AND IT HAS BREN A HORRIBLE THING I AM VERY TIRED OF.

Hopefully it is over soon. 

In religious things, I’ve been thinking about incarnation, embodiment and suffering. 

Because one of the things I’m really grappling with is WHERE is God in my suffering?

Does God understand my suffering; does God see my suffering. 

The answers I’ve gotten before are … wildly insufficient. They subtly teach that when we are Christians, when we “obey God” that we are Special. And God is protecting us from TRULY bad things happening to us, or if something bad DOES happen, God will fix it, and it won’t matter that it was so bad. 

Well, the first bit is absolutely false. 

There is senseless evil in the world, and it harms people. 

I also believe there is sentient evil in the world, actively seeking to harm people.

There’s… a lot of bad things that can and have happened. And God hasn’t stopped a lot of them. 

Which becomes a big problem when you have - even just barely or subconsciously - an idea that Because You Are God’s, You Are Protected. 

In my experience, which frankly is the ONLY PERSON my theology is answerable to, in practice: Christians are not protected from evil. 

Whether it’s an illness, or abuse, or murder, or something else terrible and awful, we aren’t exempt. 

And … I think I’m somewhat okay with that. 

Because I’m discarding the idea that is what God promised, and that is what I deserve (because I’m a Christian or a good person.) 

I certainly never overtly believed it, but it was there in subtle ways, and since 2018, there have been supremely evil things going on in my life and to the people I love, and I have dealt with rage and anger at the injustice of it all, and I still do. 

But it’s quieter.

The rage and anger I have against people practicing injustice is louder but that’s not the point right now. Lol

I’m now grappling with where and who is God to me in my suffering. 

The Bible is very clear that God hears our suffering, sees our suffering, and is moved with compassion BY our suffering. (Not often or fast enough imo but that’s not the point rn)

But here’s the thing: 

Jesus is the embodiment of God experiencing our suffering in God’s own body.

God could see and hear and have compassion on our suffering, but in the body of Jesus, God shares and experiences our suffering, first hand. 

That means something to me. 

And in the face of me not being being specially protected from evil, it means something significantly more than it would have. 

Because we all experience suffering. And in my suffering, I long to be seen. I want someone to see me, see my pain, and sit and feel my pain with me. To hold space for the enormity of my emotions. To listen to my wailing. To SEE me and be present with me as I suffer. 

And that brings me to part 2: Jesus dwelling in us. 

What does it mean for God’s bodily experience of suffering to be united to us, in OUR suffering flesh, and be united with us. 

Jesus, dwelling in me, is also being embodied in a body that is wracked with pain, diabetes, a mind (because your brain is flesh!) that is tormented by isolation, abandonment, abuse, that in turn triggers the body to react with panic and flight or fight. 

God in my body, sharing the experience of my suffering. 

That … means something too. 

 It can’t be all tied up in a bow, and honestly it doesn’t fix things. 

But it means something. 

I think it may mean, I am not abandoned in my body or in my suffering. That there is presence, in a way that is simultaneously more tangible and practical than any “footprints in the sand,” and so beyond what I am capable of experiencing or intellectualizing. 

God, present in my suffering. 

God, embodied in my suffering the same way I am, in the same body. 

Emmanuel.